Ninjas of the Caribbean
by Terence Waverly
Summary: The *ahem* REAL story of Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl. If you don't like people making fun of any of the characters, don't read this. In interest of fairness, I tried to pick on everybody; Rating is T just in case things get violent!
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean

I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean. At all. In any way, shape or form. I don't even own a copy of any of the DVDs, for heaven's sake.

I got this idea from Ask A Ninja Special Delivery 7 and 7.5, which I also don't own- though it would be fun if I did. Poor penniless me.

On to the story!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXPrologue

In case you were not aware of this, none of the _**Pirates of the Caribbean**_ movies are anything but fictional. However, in every fiction there is a little bit of truth; otherwise, fiction would all be rather like a political statement: a mish-mash of white and black lies that usually mix and become a very unappetizing shade of gray.

Politics aside, _**Pirates of the Caribbean**_ was in fact based on a true story. However, it wasn't _nearly_ trashy enough for Hollywood, so they revised it. A lot. They added lots of love scenes and stupidity and basically made it worse.

You see, in its original form, since it is, in fact, a true story, it was rather plotless. Sort of. However, once the writers were done with it, it was both totally plotless and rather dumb! Think about it, and if you're not convinced, watch Ask A Ninja Special Deliveries 7 and 7.5 and see if you can deny that the Ninja is right.

So, on request, I present to you the _real_ story:_** Ninjas of the Caribbean**_.

**Ninjas of the Caribbean**

The Curse of the Ninja

"_Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me…"_ sang little Miss Elizabeth Swann. That is, if anything that ever proceeded from her mouth could qualify as anything but squeaky, obnoxious noise. Every ninja on the ship from the crows-nest to the ballast cringed at the infernal noise. At least they _could_ cringe, though. _They_ were hiding. The poor crewmen weren't even allowed to cringe because they were in plain view and would get in trouble for it.

Her tone-deaf father didn't even seem to notice the noise. Poor Gibbs risked the Governor's wrath in order to save the ears of his suffering crew. "Better keep quiet about that sort of thing," he warned her. "No good comes o' talkin' or even singin' of pirates, 'specially not in _these_ waters," he finished. "He's right," added Norrington. Not very eloquent, that one.

Elizabeth decided that arguments were futile, so she did the next best thing: she pouted. Then, when she noticed that no one was paying attention to her anymore, she started to sing again:

"_**One hundred bottles of beer on the wall, **_

_**One hundred bottles of beer;**_

_**If one of those bottles should happen to fall,**_

_**There'll be ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall!"**_

The crew continued to ignore her as they stared over the starboard side of the boat. Her father swore that he would _never_ take her into a bar again. Elizabeth, miffed that they refused to pay attention to her, tried again, this time a little louder.

"_**NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL,**_

_**NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER**_

(Funny, what was that annoying burning smell?)

IF ONE OF THOSE BOTTLES SHOULD HAPPEN TO-"

Suddenly, she heard her father behind her. "Shut up," he whispered. He sounded very scared. It was then that Elizabeth, too, took a glance to starboard. It was also then that she saw the flaming remnants of a merchant ship. "Oh," she said, and rushed over to take a closer look.

When she reached the side, and looked over, her eyes widened. "_Look_, Daddy, _**Look**_!" she squealed. "There's a _boy_ down there!" she exclaimed. And there he was: young Will Turner unconscious and floating on a piece of driftwood.

The crew hurriedly saved the unfortunate lad. "Ohh, Daddy, can I keep him?" asked Elizabeth, thinking how much fun it would be to have another person to order around. However, Daddy was smart enough to realize the problems this would pose in the future. "No, Elizabeth dear, I'm afraid not. I'll make him an apprentice to a blacksmith or something. But you can look at him if you want," he added, trying to make her feel better.

"Oh, all right," she sulked. She flounced over to where the boy lay. He was wearing a pretty gold medallion. She liked gold. It was shiny. So she decided that since she couldn't have him as a servant, she would just take his medallion instead. It was only fair.

The ninjas were also rather interested in the little piece of gold. _Hmm, cursed, I think,_ one volunteered telepathically. _Yup,_ replied another. _Better keep an eye on that… Oh look, an evil, black-sailed ship!,_ thought the first._**Sigh**__. __**Another**__ one? Man, that's like the fourth one this week! We'd better go distract them,_ agreed a third.

So, while the cough cough _normal_ people sailed merrily on, the ninjas diverted the inhabitants of the _**Black Pearl**_. The ninjas were busy for some time killing undead people aboard the _**Black Pearl**_. Having finished this, they decided that they rather liked the ship. So, they made their leader Captain of it. The leader temporarily took on the name of the former captain, one Barbossa.

**SEVERAL YEARS LATER**

Elizabeth Swann had gotten prettier, but besides that, not much had changed since the day that she'd met Will. Not that it was particularly his fault, it was just the truth. He'd never achieved more than 30 brainpower himself, so, obviously, the two idiots were deeply in love. However, Governor Swann wanted his imbecile daughter to marry well, and Commodore Norrington wanted her money. So he forced himself to tell her father –in full sentences, what's more –that he wished for Elizabeth's hand in marriage. Governor Swann was so surprised to hear Norrington utter complete sentences that he immediately agreed.

This, of course, devastated the two lovers. "_I_ think we should elope," decided Elizabeth. (She was _still_ very bossy.) Will, however, crushed the idea with a rare moment of common sense. "Elope _where_? Port Royal happens to be an island, my dearest –and a rather smallish one at that," he reminded her. "Oh. Well, we could always elope on a ship or something," Elizabeth countered desperately. At this point, Will once again discarded his wits. "Yes, _that_ would work! Elizabeth, angel, you're a _genius_!"

All the ninjas groaned silently. Of course it never occurred to the pair that everyone would notice the governor's daughter and the blacksmith's apprentice boarding an outbound ship. Not to mention the fact that neither of them had enough money saved to actually secure a passage aboard said ship. They promised to meet at the Port at midnight anyway. Meanwhile, they decided that their time could be best employed by doing nothing but stare into each other's eyes and sigh wistfully. This went rather well until Will's master came and dragged him back to work. _Oh well,_ thought Elizabeth, _I have to pack anyway._

Meanwhile, a notorious pirate –all right, not exactly notorious –was docking his canoe in the Port. Captain Jacqueline Felicity Sparrow stepped onto the dock and watched calmly as his canoe proceeded to float away. _Rope! I __**knew**__ I'd forgotten something. Well, at least there are a lot of ships to commandeer around here._ Few things _ever_ bothered the **ahem **good captain; most likely, this was because of his name.

His mother had been a bit loopy when she'd filled out his birth certificate, and no one could convince her for quite some time that young Jacqueline was, in fact, male. It was a little too late by then, but luckily, she had managed to choose a name that at least provided for a good nickname. Therefore, as soon as Jacqueline figured out that his name was a bit too feminine, he announced to everyone that he would only answer to 'Jack'. When he kept his word in a very literal fashion, all who knew him soon caught on (As for all who didn't, they didn't know him, so they didn't know his name anyway!).

However, in the interim, he had to live with the name-calling and rude comments as best he could. This usually involved either ignoring the offender or, in extreme cases, applying a good hard smack to him. In this case, the choice was obvious because one simply doesn't go around punching canoes, especially when they're out of reach.

Leaving the vessel to its own devices, he turned on his heel, barely missing a ninja, and strode down the dock. He met the dock master upon reaching the beach. "Excuse me, my good sir, but would you happen to know of any place hereabouts that has any rum?" he asked, sounding as if he'd had as much as he needed in that department already.

To be quite honest, he would have to admit that he didn't actually like the stuff at all; he vastly preferred ginger ale. However, in the circles in which he tended to run, asking the bartender for a ginger ale was not accepted protocol. Also, he'd never admit that he enjoyed such a drink.

All this aside, the dock master replied that he hadn't the slightest idea, even though he'd just come from one of the many taverns littering the wharf. He wasn't a very friendly one, our dock master. Jack smiled as the rather inebriated man lied to him, said good day, and stole the man's purse as he left. _A lie for a lie… Sort of._ All the ninjas rolled their eyes.

_Well, I can't exactly stay here,_ our brilliant captain decided,_ Seeing as this __**is**__ Port Royal and all,_ he added as he passed the sign that proclaimed, **WELCOME**

**To PORT ROYAL**

**NO ****swimming, **

**littering, **

**loitering,**

**poaching,**

**wild partying, **

**damaging the ecosystem,**

**or sniffing the daisies.**

Upon reading the entire sign, Jack became convinced that the founders of Port Royal had indeed been sniffing _something_, though not necessarily daisies. He then decided that he would go and find an accomplice stupid enough to help him steal one of the large ships that he saw floating in the harbor. He casually walked the streets of Port Royal, looking in every shop and stealing from a few as he looked for the ideal idiot. Shortly thereafter he found himself back on the beach, thanks to his lousy sense of direction. He sighed and turned back to the town, but as he did, he spotted some dumb-looking soldiers guarding the ship he was after and decided to try his luck.

As the good Captain had been entering the harbor, Governor Swann had been creating the ideal setting for Norrington's proposal to Elizabeth. A parapet that overlooked the sea would be a _very_ romantic scene, and, of course, he reasoned, a relatively safe one. So, after giving Norrington a subtle hint that he should make his feelings known to Elizabeth, Governor Swann rounded up the pair and nearly pushed them out onto the lookout to discuss their 'newfound love.'

Back on the ship, Captain Jack was making friends with the guards, Jeremy and Norman. It took about five minutes of conversation to convince them that it would be a good idea to display the prowess of the ship they were guarding, so they and the Captain were soon making their merry way around the port, much to the dismay of the numerous fishing boats that couldn't quite make it out of the way in time.

Commodore Norrington led Elizabeth to the balcony so she could enjoy the full ocean view. Then he began. "I know this may come as a shock to you, but your father and I have decided that you should marry me. Now I know I'm almost thirteen years older than you, but let's not sweat the details, shall we? There are also the definite upsides; for instance, there is the fact that I am rather rich and have the potential to become even richer. Plus, I'm a high-ranking officer in the King's Navy. There are other things, too –I… I just can't remember what they are right now," he concluded.

Elizabeth considered this for a moment. It was definitely something to be seriously considered. After all, the Commodore was indeed filthy rich, something that, for all his other charms, Will was most certainly _not_. And she'd always been rather partial to money. It was shiny and got her nice things.

Then she remembered something. "Well, I must say I _am_ pleased to receive a proposal –especially from you, because you're rich and important. However, although I'm attracted to your money, I'm afraid an engagement between ourselves simply _cannot_ take place. You see, I have a date with Will Turner tonight. We're eloping together. You can see how this might possibly make things rather awkward and complicated if I'm to marry _you_," she informed him.

Norrington pondered this information. "All right, very well, I only wanted your mon- I mean, your happiness, anyway. Only one question: aren't elopements supposed to be, well, secrets?" he queried.

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" cried Elizabeth. "Did I really just tell you my plans to elope? Well, I suppose it's only natural. My father says that I take after my mother, and my mother died using the hairdryer while swimming. Although he _did_ always admit that it takes quite a bit of talent to die by using something that hasn't even been invented yet. Oh well. You won't tell _too_ many people, will you? I mean, since you say you love me and all that," she pleaded.

"Well, I still want to marry you, you see," he informed her. "So I'm afraid I'm going to have to tell your father so he can stop you," he ended. "If you do that, I'll _kill_ myself," she pouted. This ploy had always worked before. Commodore Norrington seemed unfazed. "No, you won't," he said rather smugly. "Oh yeah? Just _watch_ me then," she challenged.

It was then that she jumped off the balcony and into the ocean. The ninjas who looked on couldn't help thinking that this was the best choice for all involved. One can only stand so much insanity, you know.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean. At all. In any way, shape or form. I don't even own a copy of any of the DVDs, for heaven's sake.

I got this idea from Ask A Ninja Special Delivery 7 and 7.5, which I also don't own- though it would be fun if I did. Poor penniless me.

In case you're wondering, yes, I _did_ copy this from the first 'Chapter'. Deal with it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Unfortunately for the ninjas, Elizabeth, and the general populace of Port Royal, Elizabeth didn't fall to her death. Instead, just as she fell, the crow's nest of the ship that Captain Jack was currently in the process of pilfering, the _Daring Daffodil_, swung underneath her and caught her after a disappointing fall of only ten feet. Mind you, the landing wasn't exactly comfy, but nevertheless, she was still very much alive as the ship began to sail away.

"Oh, bother," commented Elizabeth upon finding herself still living. Shortly thereafter, Captain Jack realized that they had accrued a little extra baggage and sent Jeremy and Norman up to fetch it. Captain Jack soon wrung Elizabeth's name and position out of her. "Well _that_ complicates things. I could've just put out to sea if you were a scullery maid who decided to try her hand at flight; as it is, I'll be accused of taking you hostage, so now I'll have to go back," he sighed. "Oh well, I guess I'll just have to think of something else; I always do," he informed her as he turned the ship back towards the harbor.

Elizabeth pouted all the way to port. However, for the second time in her life, no one seemed to care. As they drew close to the dock, Captain Jack saw something that, to him, was rather disturbing: British redcoats standing in nice orderly rows, waiting for him. At least, he assumed that they were after him. He checked behind him, just to make sure that there wasn't some pompous dignitary in his wake. No such luck.

Captain Jack sighed. "And it was _such_ a pretty boat," he lamented._ Oh well, I guess I'll just pick up another one later. And if not that, there's always Rent-A-Canoe,_ he consoled himself as he spied one along the shoreline. _But now, to the problem at hand._ He swung the _Daring Daffodil_ neatly to dockside and had Jeremy and Norman drop the anchor.

"That was fun!" exclaimed Norman. "Yeah, let's do it again!" agreed Jeremy. "Eh, sorry, lads. I'd love to, but I have to be going right about now. Maybe some other time," apologized Jack. "While you're waiting, maybe you could do something about the name of this rig. It's positively sissified," he commented, tapping the life ring hanging on the rail that was block-lettered, _H.M.S. Daring Daffodil_.

While the two guards considered this, Captain Jack vaulted over the side of the ship and onto the dock. But only just barely. _I've __**got**__ to work on my parking_, he told himself. The ship was a good five feet from the dock. Any farther and the Captain would've landed in the drink! He turned his attention to the troops who were waiting for him.

"Excuse me, good sirs," he addressed them, bowing slightly. "But would you mind making a path, here? I have some pressing business to attend to, and would be much obliged to you," he informed them. If there was one thing that he had learned about the British, it was that they absolutely couldn't refuse a polite request. Murmurs of, "Oh, sure, " "Of course," and "Make a lane, boys," were heard as the soldiers squashed themselves together in order to make room on the crowded dock for the pirate.

Once he had passed through, Captain Jack turned back to Port Royal. Upon entering the streets, he again promptly got lost. "Hmm, where to go," he mused. He wandered in and out of several stores and homes, pilfering small objects as he went. This didn't bother the good folk of Port Royal that much; they had seen stranger things. Norrington making his morning run in sweatpants, for instance. (Yes, sweatpants were invented then, but they were so expensive that only rich people could afford them.)

Finally, he saw the sign for the smithy. Even more importantly, he saw Will Turner leaning on a table near the window, sighing sappily while he gazed at an autographed drawing of his sweetheart, Elizabeth. Upon recognizing the girl in the picture as the one he had so recently rescued from imminent death _entirely_ by chance and pondering the vast gulf of position between herself and the lad before him, he realized that he had just happened upon a way to secure a watercraft.

He entered the smithy and addressed the love struck youth. "Excuse me, lad, but I couldn't help but notice that-" he was cut off as Will swung a sword in his general direction. "_En garde!_" cried Will, striking a heroic pose. Captain Jack blinked and proceeded to stare at Will for several seconds. Then, he spoke again, "You're English, aren't you?" Will considered this for a moment. "Well, yes," he conceded. "Then why are you talking in French? That's positively _silly_, mate! Not to mention the fact that France and England are practically sworn enemies. What kind of Englishman goes around spouting phrases in his enemy's language, I ask you? You really ought to be ashamed of yourself," chided Jack.

Will was wounded deeply by this admonishment. His face puckered, and he began to sniffle and give off a high-pitched whine. In a few seconds, he had graduated to an all-out bawl. After several minutes, a ninja with highly sensitive ears couldn't take it anymore, and he stumbled out from his hiding place, hands over his ears in pain. "Would you _please_ stop that?" he asked politely.

Will was so shocked that he abruptly stopped his caterwauling. "_Thank_ you," sighed the grateful ninja, whereupon he suddenly disappeared, choosing to hide this time literally in the woodwork. A few minutes passed. Finally, Will came up with a stunning observation: "Well, _that_ was odd." "Was it?" asked Captain Jack curiously. "A man dressed all in black just appeared and disappeared out of thin air! Of _course_ that's odd!" exclaimed Will. Jack pondered this. Then, he turned to Will. "You need to get out more," he admonished. This utterance garnered the captain a reproachful look from Will.

"Just because I can't remember ever being anywhere but in a nursery somewhere, on a ship and its wreck, on another ship, and on this island doesn't make me an idiot," Will cried indignantly. "You're right," interposed the captain, "that's _not_ what makes you an idiot." "Precisely," Will continued glibly. "Just because I haven't set foot outside Port Royal in thirteen-some years and have no idea how to do anything except fencing and blacksmithing doesn't mean that I can't take on the world and win! Any good novelist will tell you as much!" he concluded triumphantly.

"So why did you attack me at random as soon as I entered?" queried the captain, casually switching tacks. (No, really! It's a blacksmith shop; they've got all sorts of little metal gadgets like nails and tacks and things. Will had arranged some tacks in the shape of a flower on a little scrap of board. Captain Jack was busy rearranging them in the shape of a smiley face, under which he had tacked out a highly secretive message to the ninjas. What it looked like it said was, 'Hello, ninjas!' but the way he spaced the tacks actually gave the ninja code for, 'Help, I'm being held hostage by idiots!")

"Oh, I just do that. Keeps people on their toes and makes me look dashing," informed Will. "So… It's _not_ because I'm a pirate?" Jack asked carefully. "You _are_? I've always wanted to meet a pirate. In fact, I could use one right now. You see, I'm trying to elope with the governor's daughter," Will explained. "Ah, yes. I met her. You may be a little late; some other fellow just proposed to her," Jack told him conversationally. Will looked fit to break into another tantrum.

"But not to worry," Jack hastily added. "When I met up with her, she was either trying to fly, escape, commit suicide, or some strange combination of two or more of those options. I think she prefers you, though I can't imagine why," he concluded. This pacified Will. "So, do you have a ship that we could elope on?" he asked, excited. "Well, about that: you see, I'm kind of between ships at the moment. I'm afraid we'll have to borrow one of the Royal Navy's lovely vessels," Jack explained. "Oh," said Will. "Well, that won't be hard. It's just a matter of leaverage. And I have a bit of that because I'm great friends with the governor," Will smiled confidently. Jack blinked. "Excuse me… But did you just say, '_leaverage_'?" "Yes," answered Will. "Are you _sure_ you're British?" asked Captain Jack carefully.

It was then that the soldiers burst in. The Captain of the Regiment strode forward and thrust his sword out before him in the direction of Captain Jack, barely missing several quite innocent ninjas. He accosted the Captain with, "Fiend! Vagabond! Rapscallion! Knave! Brute! Drifter! Sayer of, 'Ni' to old women! -" "What?" interposed a bewildered Jack. "… I don't know, it's just what came to mind. Stop interrupting my tirade," the Captain of the Regiment ordered. "Sorry." "Apology accepted. Where was I?" "Eh… 'Drifter'." "Ah. Yes. Umm. Ship-stealer! Thief of Small Worthless Objects!-" "Not all of them were worthless…" "_Stop inter__**rupt**__ing_!" "Sorry…" "Hmph. Chicaner! Prevaricator!-" "Are you _done _yet?" "Getting there; I'd be done by now if you didn't insist on _interrupting_ all the time! Lawyer!-" "Now _that's_ crossing a line! Plus, it's not true: I've never even _attempted_ to pass the bar!" "_Stop_ it! You're under arrest!" the Captain of the Regiment finally spat.

A few moments of silence followed this proclamation. Finally, Jack asked, "Eh… …_Why_?" "I should have thought it was obvious." "Of _course_ it… _isn't_," clarified Jack. "Remember when we made a lane for you back at the dock?" asked the Captain of the Guard plaintively. "Eh... _yes_?" "You didn't say thank you."


End file.
